Firstly, yesterday I met Mr Right. I mean he really was Mr Right..about Everything.

And I’d like to thank him..for prompting me to start a long overdue blog.

Thank you again, Mr Right.

I thought I’d write to you Mr Absolute, for the sake of any poor women who may come across your path in the future.I thought I’d give you a few tips on the do’s and don’ts of dating.

So I’m quite a new Christian okay. (In other words don’t be asking me to do any theological referencing to my banter, I don’t have any, just a heart that is being filled with faith for a God I don’t understand) I’m struggling with the daily walk and where I fit in to it all. I don’t feel like I fit in most of the time but that’s just me. I find God in weird and wonderful places not necessarily within the walls of church. Am humbly reliant on a daily dose of His radical grace.

Again, I am thankful to you, aforementioned Mr Right for prompting me into the blogosphere. ive been reading so many  blogs recently and of course feelings of spiritual unworthiness as well as lack of academic ability creep in  as to whether I can write my own. ( I got expelled from two schools for being obnoxious and disruptive) so my academic life never really took off!

when I say Mr Right..i of course mean Mr religious Right. We were ‘destined to meet’ after a few brief emails on a Christian dating site (more fool me you all may say…well, all I say in return is never again!)

 Dear Mr Right,

So, Mr Virtous, to start a date making an issue over someone choosing not drinking alcohol and then probing and probing about why not, until one is almost forced to disclose far too much about their past is not the way forward, believe me. Now don’t get me wrong, ive no skeletons in my closet. I’m open about stuff. I just choose not to disclose it in the first five minutes of meeting someone..Mr Certainty, for your future dating information, it is not the way to make someone feel comfortable. and, while i mention it..the fact that it was such a big deal for YOU..says far more about you and your love of Cabernet Sauvignon. And also, while we’re on the subject of  selective use of scripture (okay i know we’re not there yet but im getting there)…whats that one about causing your brother to stumble again..?
Anyhow..the date…the date to remember with Mr Right-eous. Within five minutes you tell me that you havent spoken to your brother in 8 years. ‘He’s turned away from the lord and is…GAY’ (said in hushed voice)…’not GAY!?’ I whisper….then , ‘its ok’, you quickly reassure me ‘he knows it’s an “Abomination’…oh dear, it’s hard to tell if what I can hear is blood rushing to my ears or my mind slamming shut but I know I that’s when I really start planning escape routes.

Will it be over the sea wall or may be I really will just wrench that bloody Cabernet Sauvignon out of his hand and down it after all?

i make a feeble (and i mean feeble as im a bit intimidated by Mr UpRight’s rightness you know..) attempt with my newly acquired knowledge to explain what I think the word abomination meant in the cultural context it was used..but my words trail away as i got that sudden feeling of trying to grab the soap in the bath..( this dudes been to Bible college I’ll have you know)

 Next subject.. mainline churches and their lack of awareness of the spiritual realm. Mr Certain, you’ve managed to piss off various pastors in the UK by going round  ‘exorcising’ members of their congregation and leaving people in floods of tears. (exorcising-is that a word? well you know what I mean, casting out demons apparently) When called in to the office and questioned on your antics you’re off..in fact Mr Right about everything, you are  thinking of starting your own church aren’t you? because that’s just what we need, more fragmentation and a few more denominations hey?.

I know you’ve seen real demons coming out of people like that woman who tried to stab you with a large knife. Was that before or after you benevolently took away her music collection consisting of INXS and Led Zeppelin for her own protection?

Anyway, Mr Are you For Real?..you did seem interested in me for a few minutes though. You asked me how long I had been a Christian. ‘2 years’ I said and you developed a slightly scared far away look in your eyes. Were you wondering what kind of worldly fun I had been indulging in until the age of 40, what my music collection consists of  and whether it would be appropriate to lay hands on me there and then in the bar and start screaming in my face for the demons to leave?

When you asked what my church was like, i said i loved the outreaching it does in my community, I love working with the homeless , recovery programs and soup kitchens etc really are my thing..you said we shouldnt feed anyone until they’ve accepted Christ..really..?
By now I’m seriously eyeing up your Sauvignon, but instead of necking it am begging my wonderful God for some strength, I think I muttered in a doubtful New Christian kinda way “well, i think Jesus hung out with folk on the margins all the time and that’s what I love about him”

‘Matthew, Mark, Luke and John’ are irrelevant to the new testament church” you say in a very factual kind of way.

‘Oh,really?’ Now im completely confused, am I even a Christian?
‘Change the subject’, my head was screaming ‘we’re not going to agree on much here, move on, get out of here, make an excuse’..’how old are your kids? tell me a bit about yourself”, I say..
‘My wife left me… for an UNBELIEVER ‘ you reply

‘really?’ I say,’funny that..’